Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Chasing La Luna

No specific topic tonight.

Just trying to put into words some of things I’ve been feeling in the hopes that I’ll be at peace when I’m done. I’ve been running again, sticking to my guns, hoping that it’ll pay off, praying that I won’t fall off the wagon. I fall of the wagon a lot. So much that I live in fear of failing. And I’m not just talking about running. I know myself, and I know how I sabotage any time I have a good thing going. Like I can’t bear for things to go well for me, so used to stains and a complicated life am I, that I need to somehow taint a blank page.

So every night this last week while I’ve run, the moon has been there. She watches me, suspended in her eastern spot, right between the royal palms in my neighborhood, almost like she doesn’t want me staring straight at her. But how can I not? She’s the only light in the sky, so accessible yet distant at the same time. I want to throw my arms around her, but she evades me, just within reach. Then, slowly, over the course of my run, she’ll creep up and coyly smile, unable to avoid me anymore. I smile back at her. She knows my thoughts. She knows my dreams. Whether she understands them or not, I don’t know. Whether she’s real or just a mirage, I don’t know either. But I want her so much. Yet every time I reach for her, she moves farther away. How can I tell her that I won’t hurt her? That I won’t make mistakes anymore, that I’m ready to care for something so fragile and meaningful to so many? That I’ve learned my lessons? That I need, maybe even deserve to love her?

But she’s not ready for me. Why she’s testing me this way, I don’t know. Why she allows others to catch her and not me, I know even less. Does it hurt? Yeah. What am I doing wrong? What can I do better? HOW do I get up there? But there’s nothing I can do, except keep going. I can’t, I won’t, give up on her. And so I keep running.

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